General Reviews

Django ***

Cult western celluoid pulp that worked on a shallow-pocket-budget and that spawned off so many sequels that even the most hardcore hollywood remake enthusiast would blush.

Plot: Django frumps his way through the mud with his death box. Rescues whipped-like-an-ice-cream Maria. Maria stuck between a rock and a hard place. The rock being the crimson faced fascists and the hard place being the Mexicans. Django and Maria arrive in a deserted town drenched in the brown stuff (er, mud). Django and the boa-and-feather clad 'ladies working in the horizontal position' make conversation. Insert painful english dubbing. Django gets trigger happy. Mexicans. Gold. Whore-mud-fight. Ear chopping. Steep body count. Shoot out. Theme tune blaring out.

Verdict: Entertaining as they come but trampled on by the cheese-curdling accent. Pay special attention to his uttering of 'I'm glad I made you feel like a real woman - very glad'. It makes Franco Nero sound like the neighbourhood pervert.


Barbie and the The Musketeers *

The pinkalicious 'plastic one' dropped her oopsy-dipsy, wandering princess act and decided to toot on the 'girl power' horn instead. There's a subtle heads up to Alexande Dumas but nothing to brandish this as educational viewing.

Barbie rocks out with a sword...her fellow budding-musketeers play around with ribbon and fans. They solve the world's least complex ploy to kill the dazed-and-confused metrosexual prince who's preoccupied with circular, inflatable things (ahem, hot air balloons that is). One of the ass-wooping musketeers shrieks with excitement at sequins and dress-making. They twirl and sigh to teenage bubblegum-pop. Your soul dies.

The moral of the story: if you're plastic, have polymer knockers on your chest and a 'Made in China' label imprinted on your ass - you'll make it.