General Reviews

300 **

• A homoerotic sword, sandal and loin cloth epic
• Leather-underwear-donning beefcakes drag their asses against a powerpoint background and slaughter everything in their path.
• Plays out like a violence-strewn Calvin Klein Advert with as much story depth as a puddle.
• The one dimensional prototype characters only whip out a slight fizz in the emotion and chemistry department.
• Repeat offender of the slow-motion effect. Used heavily when interrupting the kick-and-stab action with peach soft porn and orgy scenes.
• Features this gimpy abomination:

Bourne Identity ****

My cement-sealed favourite of the Bourne film triplet.

• Filmed in the pre-spasmadic camera era (ie absence of earthquake tremor camera work) - doesn't induce motion sickness/projectile vomiting/general confusion as to what the fuck is happening by
• The stepping stone to hot wiring the entire action genre and reshuffling suave, card flicking, martini-glugging chick-stick Bond into a fist clenching, rooftop-jumping pseudo-Bourne beefcake. Step up Daniel Craig.
• Bares at least a fuzzy-edged resemblance to the paper and ink version.
• Devotes a chunk of the running time to the toplessness of the amnesiac. On behalf of the oestrogen-fuelled gender, thank you.

Rambo First Blood Part 1 ****

Prior to ousting out the lead guzzling automated weapons and unleashing his one man army anarchy in foreign turf, the abs-with-a-voice character was slinging his shit at home.

Plot: A disgruntled war veteran has his metaphorical toes stepped on by the major a-hole hick-town sheriff and whips out a can of whoop-ass by jousting the troopers with chiselled sticks, hunting knifes and animalistic groaning.

Overall Opinion: Guilt-free shameless entertainment that somewhat arches and misses when the ending comes about. Shying away from the ending of the paperback it's based on, it decides to try and whip out the age-old emotional punch of a man of muscle yellping, whelling and incomprehensibly drawling. No thank you.